Away and Forward
28 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in life
It’s hard to pin down what the past year has been or done to me. I know it has changed me. I have spent the last three months asking what kind of change and just how much, and really, I don’t know. I definitely talked to myself a lot more, which means I experienced much inner conflict.
I don’t remember who said it. The two worst things that could happen in a person’s life are: One, not getting what you want. Two, getting what you want.
I got what I wanted. I “ran from safety” and reached out beyond my grasp. It was lovely.
Then it sucked. It brought me to the depths of confusion, disillusion and disappointment. I began to question why I wanted what I wanted. Why I was pushing so hard, so far and wider than I could actually reach? Why wasn’t I content with what I had? Why did I feel the need to seek out this path? And when I got there, after all I’d gone through, why wasn’t I happy still?
I needed to know. To find answers all the questions hanging heavy above me. In the process, I realized that what matters more than being happy or unhappy is knowing the difference.
I needed to discern. I took the time to figure out what I can and cannot give, what I can and cannot take. I needed to distinguish what is of real value and what I can afford to forego–what I needed to let go of. To listen with the ear of my heart and understand what it was saying, and believe that to be true. It was agonizing because there was so much noise in me. I had to strip down to reach the truth. And when I came to face it, I had to make a choice.
I needed to accept. No matter how painful, disappointing, surprising. Even though it broke my heart and the hearts of those around me. It wasn’t the answer I was expecting, but it was real and inescapable. And it needed to be my choice. As I told a dear friend, I felt like I was aborting my own child.
But as the tired adage goes, the truth sets you free. I can attest to that. Acceptance doesn’t make things easier, it just makes you stronger.
In hindsight, I know I don’t have any regrets. I have lesser “what ifs”. I have learned the new meaning of “no”, “yes” and “enough”. I am where I am supposed to be, and the past year has taught me a bunch of lessons that I will still be discovering in the coming months. In the meantime I have learned to let go of something I truly, deeply love. A loss that few people will understand. It still hurts, but I know it will fade in time.
I have also found greater strength to hold on to what matters most. Greater because there is someone else holding on to it as tightly as I am, even though we may not fully agree. For that, I am grateful to my best friend and husband.
At this crossroads I remember a scene in St Elmo’s Fire: the main characters are standing outside their old hangout, thinking if they should go in, like they had always done. Pausing for a moment, they all decide not to, and agree to have Sunday brunch in another place instead. They walk away from the bar, which is filled with yesterday’s promises and dreams and potential.
More significantly, they walk forward. More importantly, they walk together.
Unearthed
13 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in snippet
Here in the middle of the water, with limestone cliffs jutting out and the steady breeze caressing my face, the sound of waves beneath me and the worries of the world a thousand sleeps away, I am gripped by the desire to write. Except that I can’t, because I’m enjoying life too much.
3/15/10
hmm
27 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
I like having time alone. Keeps me healthy.
In other news, I long to be by the sea. Living at the edge of land, looking at the expansive blue water, toes in the sand and wind in my hair.
Muni-muni
15 Jun 2010 1 Comment
I got what I wanted, finally. What I waited for, for a very long time.
I’ve just been transferred to a position that gives due respect to the professional title I hold: environmental planner. I should feel happy and, after years of unending patience, maybe even vindicated.
But honestly, I can’t say that I’m satisfied.
I wanted this, yes – three years ago. Things change in three years. The deepest shift being this: in my heart I know that it’s no longer my dream to be employed by an international firm with “pedigree” and a long history of success that I can count on; to stay here until retirement; to find professional pride and fulfilment in being one of the many wheels that keep this train chugging along.
Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Many people would love to do what I do, for all the right reasons. I can’t judge. Some people I admire and look up to have worked for this company longer than I have been alive, and it doesn’t seem like they’re complaining.
But see, they’re not me.
Am I too proud to say that I have bigger dreams than that? I don’t think so. What I feel is the strong belief that it can be done.
I’ve asked myself over and over if I deserve that bigger dream. I’ve doubted myself countless times.
But I’m over all the doubting now. I know I can do it. Actually I am already doing it, working towards that vision, albeit in small doses. As time goes by I feel more and more responsible to make the dream grow, to give it life. I need to keep that commitment not just for myself, but for others, and for the deeper “why” that I hold closest to my heart.
My only question is timing.
How much longer can I wait? Financial responsibilities, monthly bills, family obligations that I haven’t even begun to meet… Realizing the dream means giving up stability, possibly losing money, probably depending on already overstretched parents, making other people worry about my welfare. Is it irresponsible to “run from safety” now?
Or is it irresponsible not to?
dream sequence 2010
08 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
in dreams
I’ve been having the dreams again. The ones that are distinctly bizarre and inexplicable, like the one I had with Edward Norton in semi-solitary confinement.
This week my subconscious has been particulary active. One of the most vivid that I can recall: Shiva getting married. To whom, I never learned. The dream played out almost entirely during the prep session, which for some reason lasted half the day and into the night. We were getting bored from all the waiting, and true enough the wedding itself passed by with me asleep! Imagine my guilt for snoozing through Shiva’s wedding. The dream ended as I was getting on a plane and saw my lola already there. Hmm, have to research what this last scene means.
A more recent dream involved me being chased, although I don’t know if this is the right term, as being chased (in a dream no less) connotes a sense of panic for me, and I didn’t exactly feel that. What I did feel was heightened alertness. That and a strange reaction – I tied a string around my neck and kept walking backwards, believing it would protect me.
Last night I was alternating between sleeping and being awake. Mark must have noticed and asked what was going on (or something to that effect). I can remember murmuring “sundalo…” although I don’t really remember what I was dreaming about, except for a faint memory of men in fatigues.
Sigh. What is up with me?
restless
07 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
Ayoko na. Ayoko na talaga. I want to leave right now as in RIGHT NOW, start my own business, and have myself a double shot, ice cold, semi-solid Milo drink.
Obviously the first two are not coming to fruition today. But the Milo is gonna happen. Right about now.
Hello, yeah, it’s been a while…Not much, how ’bout you?
06 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
I’ve had this blog for nearly a year, and not much to show for it yet. Been busy on other things (and other blogs), and wondering how much further I can spread myself.
Oh well, no better time to find out than today. 
So what do I tell you, you dusty, mostly ignored blog?
Well one, your URL is no longer 100% accurate, because I’ve changed my name.
Two, I’m not in a very good mood today. Sorry about that, I hope this does not affect our rekindled relationship.
Three, there is some serious shit happening in this world right now. I just want to warn you, since a lot of that crap is likely to be thrown around and analyzed here on this very cozy spot of yours. I notice that I lost a bit of my fierce in the twilight of my Blogger blog’s life (it’s still alive, but barely). However, I’ll try my best not to do that here. I want you to look forward to colorful, eventful posts. Sure, three puny posts in a year aren’t sound evidence to my claim, and yes I have mellowed, A LOT. But I’m getting my groove back. I swear on the mug on my desk.
Four, I love writing, and I’m hoping it still loves me back. Help me, okay?
Okay.
Post-Ondoy: No turning back
04 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
In the past week, Filipinos have learned more about urban planning than they had in the last 20 to 40 years.
Because of Ondoy, the public spotlight has turned to the issue of urban development – its factors, processes, and impacts. This heightened consciousness is groundbreaking. However, it is also overdue and, in the case of the recent tragedy, too late.
I quite agree with most of my tribe that Ondoy – or rather the destruction that she left in her wake – was not an act of God, but human error. I’m not going to do a Jacque Bermejo here, but I’m also not allowing myself – us – to get away with this.
The massive flooding that followed Ondoy almost instantaneously was a failure of planning. From conceptualization to implementation to monitoring, it was the lack or awareness, and in many ways, the complete disregard for planning principles and guidelines that did us in. Media is rife with updates of what may have caused the massive flooding: the location and topography of the affected areas that made them naturally prone to inundation; the deforestation of Sierra Madre that peeled away the ability of the land to absorb or delay runoff; the unchecked development in the Marikina Valley that led to rivers and esteros – natural drainage ways – as well as man-made floodways to be covered or blocked by roads and settlements; the floodplain to basically lose its absorptive capacity because the once permeable soil has been replaced by impermeable cement; and other factors.
It is unfortunate that Metro Manila – Imperial Manila, as a friend recently reminded me – takes notice only when it takes centerstage. The fact of the matter is that this problem in various states of severity has been occurring all over the country for years. It is happening in every plot of agricultural land that has been converted to a glittering, gated subdivision, in every mountain that rapidly loses its cover because of illegal logging, each time the flow of a river or other water body is controlled by humans to meet the ever-increasing demand for water, power and space.
But these recurring issues have been continuously glazed over by people in political power, financial influence, technical know-how or simple human necessity (and that means all of us). Why? Simply because we think we can.
We cannot. That much is obvious now. It’s about time that we face the issues head-on, and ask the hard questions that we have been ignoring for so long. Most of these questions begin with why.
Why did water flow down as fast as it did?
Why did it stay in the valley, when we had Marikina River and the floodway and all the passageways that, by nature, are supposed to lead the water out? More importantly, why hasn’t the water flowed out, one week after the rain?
Why were so caught unaware and offguard? Couldn’t it have been prevented?
Why have the urban development plans of 30 years ago remained in the bookshelves of the government, rotting away into oblivion when they should have been followed and implemented to, at the very least, avert disaster?
And while we’re at it, why are the hundreds upon hundreds of local, regional, national plans all around this archipelago remained tucked away as well? Are they waiting for their own disasters, too? If only these best laid plans could talk.
Why were people in those affected areas unaware of the risk they were taking by living there?
Why do our policy and local guidelines lack the teeth to ensure that our resources are not abused?
Some of these are gradually being answered by planning experts who have been doing their work far longer than I have (the suddenly famous MMETROPLAN was created five years before I was born). In the coming days they will come out to explain what may have, in the past, fallen on deaf ears.
These questions must also be answered by other sectors of our society, and that includes you, dear reader, because we are all in this together. I also hope that you ask more questions.
A note to fellow environmental/urban and regional planners: we can’t simply wash our hands of this mess. We are just as easily to blame as the other players in planning game. The local government may be the arbiter and implementor, the executive may have the power, but the technical knowledge and the task of imparting it effectively rest upon us. We so often justify the inaction of government officials and the stubbornness of private developers and civilians as their lack of appreciation for the insights and advice that we provide. But does that make us less guilty?
No. In fact it makes us more so. Because as planners we are blessed (or cursed) with the innate ability (or acquired skill) to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. This is key. This is the secret to effective planning. Knowing this, we should have taken the extra effort to reach a common ground, with a thorough understanding of different perspectives. In the same breath, we must never compromise the one principle that underlies everything that we do: sustainable development. We must always stand for it, no matter how tempting it is to succumb to the convenience of short-term, profitable solutions instead of long-term plans that also have longer ROIs. Even though we may get into philosophical tussles with those who control the financing for development. And despite our personal desire for career success, which could take us away from places where we are most needed.
Planning is not just a profession. It is not just a job. It is a vocation. To planners, the practice of environmental planning is something you must dedicate your life to, knowing that entire communities will be affected by what you do. It is a way of life. So for us to simply place blame on other sectors or individuals is a bit shameful, because it means we have been remiss in fulfilling our own purpose.
I am glad that finally, people are beginning to take a closer, harder look at the concept of sustainability. Sad that it had to take the death of nearly 300 and the displacement of hundreds of thousands. Sadder to realize that we could have done more to make learning less painful.
But we must replace sadness with hope. Now is the time for rebuilding. We should all take with us the harsh lesson that the most powerful element on Earth, water, has given us. Moreover, we must move forward with the best of intentions and a greater sense of honesty about what should be done, as opposed to what we can get away with.
We can’t go back. Like it or not, things have changed; it is and should no longer be business as usual. There is no returning to the life of blissful ignorance. We must soldier on, no matter how inconvenient, uncomfortable or terrifying the truth in front of us can be. It is the only way we can survive.
here to there
27 May 2009 Leave a Comment
The sun is shifting. Perhaps it shrugging off the lightyears of dust that have settled on its heavy shoulders. Maybe it is sulking. I don’t know. All I know is that is has moved, and that it is casting a shadow where it shouldn’t.
Or maybe where it must.
It is sliding, albeit slowly, toward my left. In the late afternoon, out from behind the building where it had been hiding for so long. Constant motion, ever drifting.
Going where? Well, there.
Times are changing. I am rooted still, here.
