Away and Forward
28 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in life
It’s hard to pin down what the past year has been or done to me. I know it has changed me. I have spent the last three months asking what kind of change and just how much, and really, I don’t know. I definitely talked to myself a lot more, which means I experienced much inner conflict.
I don’t remember who said it. The two worst things that could happen in a person’s life are: One, not getting what you want. Two, getting what you want.
I got what I wanted. I “ran from safety” and reached out beyond my grasp. It was lovely.
Then it sucked. It brought me to the depths of confusion, disillusion and disappointment. I began to question why I wanted what I wanted. Why I was pushing so hard, so far and wider than I could actually reach? Why wasn’t I content with what I had? Why did I feel the need to seek out this path? And when I got there, after all I’d gone through, why wasn’t I happy still?
I needed to know. To find answers all the questions hanging heavy above me. In the process, I realized that what matters more than being happy or unhappy is knowing the difference.
I needed to discern. I took the time to figure out what I can and cannot give, what I can and cannot take. I needed to distinguish what is of real value and what I can afford to forego–what I needed to let go of. To listen with the ear of my heart and understand what it was saying, and believe that to be true. It was agonizing because there was so much noise in me. I had to strip down to reach the truth. And when I came to face it, I had to make a choice.
I needed to accept. No matter how painful, disappointing, surprising. Even though it broke my heart and the hearts of those around me. It wasn’t the answer I was expecting, but it was real and inescapable. And it needed to be my choice. As I told a dear friend, I felt like I was aborting my own child.
But as the tired adage goes, the truth sets you free. I can attest to that. Acceptance doesn’t make things easier, it just makes you stronger.
In hindsight, I know I don’t have any regrets. I have lesser “what ifs”. I have learned the new meaning of “no”, “yes” and “enough”. I am where I am supposed to be, and the past year has taught me a bunch of lessons that I will still be discovering in the coming months. In the meantime I have learned to let go of something I truly, deeply love. A loss that few people will understand. It still hurts, but I know it will fade in time.
I have also found greater strength to hold on to what matters most. Greater because there is someone else holding on to it as tightly as I am, even though we may not fully agree. For that, I am grateful to my best friend and husband.
At this crossroads I remember a scene in St Elmo’s Fire: the main characters are standing outside their old hangout, thinking if they should go in, like they had always done. Pausing for a moment, they all decide not to, and agree to have Sunday brunch in another place instead. They walk away from the bar, which is filled with yesterday’s promises and dreams and potential.
More significantly, they walk forward. More importantly, they walk together.
